JOKE THREAD :-)

[enforcerbull]

'well' why not eh? 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says: 

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" 

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: 

"Hey, do you still want a push??"  he then hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." 

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your  swing."  

[richardwatts]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[nailswortholdbull]

And the following, my friends, is a true story, from 1962.............
Back then, most of us didn't have wheels, but our mate, the late Tony Chesson, had a very smart two tone Vauxhall Cresta. There were 4 of us in the car, and we were kerb crawling Bridge Street, late on a Friday night, trying to chat up a couple of girls, who were walking home from the Redhill Ballroom. All of a sudden, from across the street, walks a policeman, torch in hand, waving at us to stop.
Tony winds down the window, "Can I help you, officer?"
The man in blue, bends down to Tony's eye level, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
Tony replies,"Just trying to pick up some skirt."
Copper, "OK, let's see your licence."
Tony, "Sorry, officer, didn't know I needed a licence to do that!"
Howls of laughter from all of us, copper nearly choked, stood up quickly so that we couldn't see his face, but we did hear him growl, "I think you'd better drive on, sir, and quickly."
Do the police in Hereford still have a GSOH?

[enforcerbull]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. 
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love 
to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent 
it all on whisky…. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, 
struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

' He thought he was having his picture taken'  

[enforcerbull]

Three men were walking in a desert.
Tired, hungry and thirsty they came up on an oasis with a great castle.
Upon entering the castle they found that there were no men at the castle, only countless beautiful women.
For about a week the three man enjoyed the harem of women, then one day the king of the castle returned with his army and, upon paying a visit to his harem, he found the three men and summoned his guards to line the men up against the wall.
The king approached the men and stated that each would be punished for his acts according to his chosen occupation,so walked up to the first man and demanded to know his occupation.
The man replied he was a fireman, so king then said to his guard "Burn off his penis!"
The king then proceeded to the second man, "What is your occupation?" he asked.
Hesitating the man stated "I'm a police officer."
At this the king ordered the guard "Shoot off his penis!"
With this done he then proceeded to the third man, "What is your occupation?"
With a smile on his face the man replied "I'm a lollipop salesman!" 

[Deleted]

Martin Watson

[Deleted]

The Macron Neath Store

[bigglesbull]

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There is a guy on the dance floor giving it loads, breakdancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to the husband and says, see that guy, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. 
Husband says, looks like he is still Fecking celebrating

[eggchaserbull]

I had a suspicion that my wife was getting a little hard of hearing, so carried out an experiment to check this. While my wife as in the living room, I went into the hall and asked what was for lunch.

No reply.

I went to the end of the living room furthest from where my wife was sitting and, again, asked what was for lunch.

No reply.

I then went and stood right next to my wife and asked what was for lunch.

This time she replied, " For the third time, it's ham salad you cloth eared old Hancock"

[eggchaserbull]

Hypothetical windbag doesn't scan as well as trans world airlines tea

[Deleted]

Aug 24, 2015 16:23:19 GMT eggchaserbull said:

Hypothetical windbag doesn't scan as well as trans world airlines tea

Yeah, sorry about that. It was originally there to replace "tosser" but nobody was saying it. I wanted it to stand in for something that really needed censoring and then I noticed DM's username and it seemed rather apt, somehow.

[Deleted]

tosser!

[farringdonbull]

My mate picked up this girl and ended up on the grass in the park both up for it. Well it did'nt last long and she said is that it? he replied i'm a bit out of practice i've just spent time in the STD clinic, she replied have you whats the food like i'm going in tomorrow.